Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting quietly together,
minding their own business.


5 Ways to Have Sex Without Having Sex

There are times in life that something happens when you can't have sex with your partner. Pregnancy, postpartum, injury, or even when you have your period ... if you aren't into sex when Aunt Flo is around.

That's when you have to get creative. You can have sex without technically having the traditional definition of sex.

And dare I say it's sometimes even better than sex! Why?

Because you are still engaged, still connected, still doing something passionate together. Sometimes penetration is overrated. And sometimes having sex without having sex is a kinky way to switch things up a bit in your love den. Here are five ways to do it ....

1. Masturbate together. If one of you cannot do the deed, the other one can still take matters into their own hands while the other is watching. If you can both masturbate together, then go for it! Have you ever seen your partner reach orgasm while you were just an innocent onlooker? It's hot. I highly suggest you try it sometime. One time, he can do it. Then the next time, you can.

2. Have oral sex. Oral isn't just the appetizer to sex -- it can be the whole meal. And I don't know about you, but I love when my man takes his time downtown. Like double-digit minutes kind of time. And if you didn't get the male memo already, he likes you to spend some time down there. It doesn't matter who is getting or giving oral, what matters is that it is done with that ravenous lust you had when you first started getting it on.

3. Let your hands and mouth roam. Kissing too often falls victim in long-term relationships. Pop a mint, make it fresh, and make out. Kiss his neck, lick his nipples, nibble on his ear, squeeze his butt -- pretend it's prom night and you had a pact not to do it in the limo but you still had to steam up the windows.

4. Watch a sexy movie together. If you can't do it, the next best thing is watching other people doing it. It will still get your loins hot and your partner will be right there next to you, getting all hot and bothered, too. Take mental notes and reenact the scene when sex gets the green light.

5. Write down a fantasy and read to each other. Words can be an aphrodisiac ... especially words written by your mate. Especially carefully chosen words that describe sexual acts they want to do with you. Explore your kinky side, even if the naughtiness will only be a fantasy. It's always hot to hear and express those dirty desires.

Have you tried any of these? How do you have sex without having sex?

Why Men Love Dirty Talk

1. He doesn't expect it.
"I think the reason I like it is it goes against the stereotype we learn at young age that women are innocent little creatures who would never deign to think about sex. On some level that's why I like porn too: here are women who not only like sex, but are willing to do it with a relative stranger for the whole world to see."

2. It shows self-confidence.
"Dirty talk speaks strongly to self-confidence. A woman who is comfortable talking dirty is going to be less sexually inhibited and it's that confidence in bed that I find most attractive. And a woman who is more confident will also be less embarrassed about asking for what she wants, making it easier for me to do what I know she likes. But it's the confidence thing that's a real turn on."

3. It makes him feel special.
"I think it's like a secret flash of skin, or the nipple across your arm. Selected exhibitionism. She's treating you to something not everyone gets to see. Something that could get her in trouble. And you're the one who gets it."

4. It heightens the experience.
"Whether through role playing, acknowledgment, or conversation, talking dirty exposes the vulnerability and intimacy of sex. It confirms that a partner is completely in the moment, and has surrendered to the uninhibited energy that feed toe curling, hair pulling, neck biting worthy sex."

5. It's encouraging.
"It lets me know, or makes me think, she is as into the moment as I am. It's a sign of approval that what I'm doing is working, and gives me encouragement to push our boundaries. It speaks directly to my animal brain and takes ordinary making love and turns it into hot monkey love. My wife of 23 years is normally quiet in bed, and often I will "suggest" exact phrases for her to say. Sometimes it's a starting point for her to expand upon, more often she repeats it verbatim and sounds convincingly sincere. I would LOVE her to be more talkative in bed in general, and REALLY LOVE if she would use explicit language."

Do you like talking dirty in the bedroom? Leave a comment.